Just A Whole Bunch of OneShots
by KateLovesEdward
Summary: I compiled a ton of crazy oneshots into a comedy about the Cullens and Bella. There are gobs of OOC, much spoofy crazyness, and plot bunnies galore. Enjoy.
1. We Love Grapes

A/N: I don't own Twilight or New Moon

Hello guys!!! I was just hanging out with my friend (her penname is MonkeyBait) and we decided to write a fan fiction together!!! So, I have no idea where this is going to go, but it sure will be funny….. heh heh heh… oh, and don't worry, I am not quitting with my other story, and if I get 7 more reviews, there will be another chapter by Saturday!!! On with the story!!!!...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Edward: BELLA!!!! You want some grapes!?!?!?? They're like totally delicious!!!

Bella: No….. I really shouldn't…...

Edward: Why not?

Bella: uhm… long story…..

Edward: BUT THERE S0oO0oO0oO0oO0oOo GOOOD!!!!

Bella: -snort- Gosh, Edward you don't eat; how do you know this?

Edward: JUST TRUST ME BELLA!!!!

Bella: -sigh- fine… -takes a grape from Edward tentatively- Mmm! Wow, these _are_ good, Edward!!!

Edward: YEAH, THEY COME STRAIGHT FROM CALIFORNIA!!!!

Bella: I MUST HAVE MORE SUGARY GRAPES!!!!

Edward: -bouncing off the walls while carrying Bella haphazardly on his back-

Twenty handfuls later…

Bella: AHHH!!!!THESEARETHEMOSTDELICIOUSTHINGSEVER!!!IHAVENEVER

HADANYTHINGSOYUMMYANDDELICIOUSANDDELECTIBLEANDIAMJUST

CRAZYFORTHESEGRAPESEDWARDLETSMAKEOUTHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!

Edward: Wow Bella…. You're really silly –cough-weird-cough- when you eat fruit…

Bella: -crashes to the floor-

Edward: AHHHH!!!! BELLA!!!! NOo0oO0oO0oO0oO0oO0oO0o0!!!!!!!! -picks Bella up and runs her downstairs- CARLISLE!!!! BELLA HAS FAINTED AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO!!!!!!

Carlisle: WHY ARE WE SCREAMING??!?!?!

Edward: I DON'T KNOW, I AM JUST REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HER!!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?

Carlisle: -pokes Bella in the arm with a needle-

Edward: mustsuckyummyblooood…..

Carlisle: What was that Edward?

Edward: nothing…..

Carlisle: -looks at reading on his machine thingy- Holy Cannoli!!!

Edward: What is a cannoli?!?! And why are you screaming about it?!?!

Carlisle: Her blood sugar levels are through the roof!!! What have you been feeding her Edward?!?!?!

Edward: Uhm…. Some grapes….. from California….. happy grapes come from California, right? So I thought they would make Bella happy….. right?

Carlisle: N0oO0oO0o……. happy _cows_ come from California, and has Bella never told you why she doesn't eat grapes?

Edward: N0oO0oO0o, and you never told me what a cannoli was…..

Carlisle: A cannoli is a delicious cheese filled Italian pastry!!!

Edward: how do you know that?

Carlisle: I just know these things, Edward…..

Edward: ohkaaaayyyy….. So why has Bella fainted!??!?!

Carlisle: See, Renee used to be very strict about candy when Bella was little, so if Bella wanted to get a sugar high, she would eat grapes, because they have lots of natural sugar in them.

Edward: ooohhh….. -looks down his shoes in shame-

Carlisle: yeah…. So you can just put her down on the couch for a little while….. you can wait until she wakes up, because I know you like to watch her… sleep… and stuff….. -looks at Edward strangely-

Edward: -reads Carlisle's thoughts-_that boy sure has some weird hobbies _-end of Carlisle's thoughts- uhm…. I am just going to go now……

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: hahahahaha, it was a weird story, I know, but we are sugar high (on Cinnamon Toast Egos and Capri Sun) so yeeeahhh….. Uhm…… this is probably going to just turn into a series of one-shots….. Up Next: An Interview with Mike (on why everyone hates him so much)!!!


	2. Why Everyone Hates Mike

A/N: I don't own Twilight or New Moon

Guess what? No, really guess!!! Someone has MADE MY DAY. Do you know who that someone is??!? No, of course you don't, but if you'd quit your squabbling I will tell you!!! SillyIsabella, that's who!!!! She sent me two extra long reviews and so she gets a whole freaking paragraph written about her!!! Hooray!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

-An Interview with Mike-

Kate: Hello Mike, I am glad you had a chance to come all the way over to Chicago to be on my talk show!!

Mike: It is no problem, Kate, I am really happy to be here, I love your show. Before we start I would like to make a shout out though, if that's okay with you.

Kate: Sure, yeah, no problem!!!

Mike: -looks at camera and waves- Bella I looooove you!!!!

Kate: Oh…. Maybe that is why everyone hates you….

Mike: What was that? Everyone doesn't hate me!!!!

Kate: Well, have you ever heard of "Fan Fiction"?

Mike: Heck Yes!!! I write fan fiction all the time about me and Bella!!!

Kate: Uh, yeah. Well, have you ever read any fan fiction about yourself?

Mike: uhm, no….. Should I?

Kate: Heh heh heh, you probably wouldn't like it…. Everyone writes about how you and Tyler do naughty naughty things to Bella…..

(Bella's voice from off stage): EXCUSE ME, _WHAT_ WAS THAT?!?!?!

Kate: Uhm, noooothing……

Mike: I would never do anything like that to my sweet sugar coated Belly Button!!!

(Bella again): AAHHH!!! THE HORROR OF BAD PET NAMES!!!! NO MORE!!! EDWARD SAAAAVEEEEE ME!!!!

(Edward's voice from off stage): MIIIIIIIKEEEE!!!!!! IM GUNNA KIIIIIILLLL YOOUUUU!!!!

Kate: Well, see, this is why you are so hated.

Mike: I still don't get it….

Kate: The main characters are usually pitted against you in fan fiction…

Mike: …..

Kate: And then it usually ends up that Edward saves Bella and you die.

(Edward): YOU HEARD THAT, NEWTON, YOUR GUNNA DIIIEEEEE!!!!

Mike: -gulps-

Kate: Well, that's a rap!!!! See you next time on my show!!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I just watched the little video clip of the Colbert Report. It was hilarious. If you want to see it, go the twilight lexicon and on the home page there is a clip. It was very funny, so go watch it!!!

XoXoXo -Kate


	3. Halloween at the Cullens

A/N: I don't own Twilight or New Moon

GUESS WHOS BACK FROM PAAARRRRIIIISSSSS?!?!?!?

KATE IS!!!!! (duh, stupid. who else would be coming back from Paris?!?!?!?)

AND GUESS WHO HAS SOME SSSHHHHOOOUTTT OOOUUTTSSSS?!?!?!

KATE DOES!!!!! (duh, how obvious do you need me to be?!?!?!)

Ame Warashi ---- yumyumyum, cannolehs!!!

MonkeyBait ---- I LOVE YOU TO PIECES, 80!!!!! (lassie, hahahaha)

HeartOfChaos ---- OMFG!!!! I love you for all those reviews!!!!! I am planning on checking out your fanfic, and I will review yours too!!!!

AND FINNALLY, TO EVERYBODY ELSE WHO WAS KIND ENOUGH TO REVIEW WHILE I WAS AWAY ---- THAAANNNKKK YOOOUUUU!!!!!

I wrote this on the plane, and I was laughing super hard while writing it. I am sure the lady next to me thought I was doing drugs or something…. Heh heh heh…….

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Halloween at the Cullen's:

_Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle are all down stairs in there Halloween outfits. Rosalie and Esme are upstairs finishing getting ready, and Edward has gone to pick up Bella._

Emmett: O0oO0ohhhh, Carlisle, what are you dressed as?!!?!?

Alice: Duh, Emmett, he's one of those guards, you know the English ones. That's why he has that funny hat and red jacket on. Duuuhhh.

Emmett: WHY COULDN'T CARLISLE JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!

Jasper: Because they are not allowed to talk. Duh, stupid.

Emmett: Well that is a dumb costume.

Jasper: Look whose talking!!! What are you supposed to be, anyway??!?!

Emmett: A tourist. See, I am wearing Bermuda shorts, and a Hawaiian print shirt, and flip flops, and I even have a suit case!! Rosalie is also dressed like a tourist!!!

Alice: -has vision- uhh…..

Emmett: WHAT??!!?

Alice: nnnooootttthhhhhhhiiinnnnggggg……

Emmett: NOOO!!! TELL ME!!!!!! -picks Alice up and shakes her-

Jasper: BAH!!!! GET'CHER HANDS OFFA MEH WIFE!!!!!!

Emmett: Tell me what you saaaaawwwwww!!!!!!

Alice: Noooooo!!!!

_Edward and Bella walk in the door_

Bella: OMG!!! WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!?!?!?! CARLISLE, DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!

Carlisle: -doesn't do anything-

Bella: -runs up and beats Carlisle on the chest- DOOOO SOMMMTTHIINNNGGG!!!! -runs up to Edward- Edward, he's not moving!!! He's dead!!!!!

Edward: I could have told you that

Bella: -beats Edward on the chest- STOOPPPP THHHEEMMMM!!!!!!

Emmett: -still shaking Alice violently- TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW!!!!!!

_Rosalie appears at the top of the stairs in heavy make-up and a big dress showing rhinestone garters_

Rosalie: What's all the fuss about??!!?

Emmett: -drops Alice- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!?!!?!?

Rosalie: I decided a tourist was just not the costume for me, so I decided to dress as a dancer from the Moulin Rouge. Isn't it a gorgeous costume?!?!!?

Alice: -snicker-

Emmett: -death glare at Alice, then a pleading look at Rosalie- Well….. I kindof wanted to dress with you this year…… but I doubt you have any of those costumes that would fit me……

Rosalie: Uh, yeah. I don't. I am a size double zero. There is no way that you would fit. And all my other garters are in the laundry.

Edward: You have, like, 50 garters Rosalie, how are all of them dirty?!?!?!

Rosalie: Do you _really_ want to know the answer to that question?

Edward: -gets mental image of why all of Rosalie's garters are dirty- okayokayokay, never mind, I wish I hadn't asked……

Rosalie: Jeez, it is taking Esme forever to get ready……. ESME!!! HOW LONG UNTILL YOUR DONE?!?!!? WE HAVE A PARTY TO GO TO, SO HURRY UP!!!!

Bella: While we wait, I am interested to see what you all dressed as.

Emmett: Carlisle is an English guard thingamabob, and I am a tourist. Rosalie dressed as an exotic dancer

Rosalie: NO- not an exotic dancer. A dancer from Moulin Rouge. Duh, get it right.

Edward: What's the difference?

Rosalie: -growl-

Bella: uhm…. Okay then. Next: Alice!! What are you dressed as?

Alice: -does a cart wheel in her black leotard- I am an acrobat!!!

Bella: I love it!!!! You look so good!!!

Alice: Thanks!!! What are you and Edward dressed as?

Edward: I am dressed as a Mexican

Jasper: I don't get it. You don't look like a Mexican. You are just wearing that multicolored poncho. That is barely Mexican at all. And you haven't done anything about how pale you are. You stink with Halloween costumes.

Edward: and what are you dressed as?!?!

Jasper: A matador!! Duh, didn't you notice the outfit? Surely the red cape was a hint?

Edward: oh.

Bella: You really didn't know what he was dressed as?

Edward: Well, uh. Not until he told me, no.

Bella: -bursts out laughing- hehehehe!!!! Edward, your so funny!!!!

Rosalie: ESME, COOOMMMEEE OOONNNN!!!!! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET INTO YOUR OUTFIT?!?!?! HUUURRYYY UUUPPP-----

Esme (voice coming from the top of the stairs): Silly Rosalie, hold your horses, I just have a little more adjusting aaaaaaannnndddd there we go!!! I am all ready!!! Should I come down now?!?!?

Edward: YES!!!

Bella: BEFORE I GET TOO OLD!!!!

Alice: QUICKLY NOW!!!! 

Emmett: I AM DYING TO SEE WHAT YOU DRESSED AS!!!!

Rosalie: Oh, you will love it, she used one of my outfits!!!

Carlisle: (totally forgetting he was a guard) She did what now?

Rosalie: See for yourself!! ESME WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?!?!?

Esme: These heels are _so big_, they are very hard to walk in, especially down stairs…..

Carlisle: WHAT DID SHE DRESS AS?!?!?!?!

Esme: ROSALIE DRESSED ME UP AS A BUNNY RABBIT!!!!

_Esme stands at the landing dressed in full Play Boy Bunny gear-- Fishnets and all._

Carlisle: Dear Lord, Esme, what are you wearing?!!?!?

Esme: You don't like it? I thought it was cute….. –begins to walk back upstairs in heels-

Carlisle: No no no no no no no, that's not what I meant, what I meant to say that I didn't expect you to….. eh…… well……. Do you know what a Play Boy Bunny is?!?!?

Esme: Noooo….. Should I?

Carlisle: No. definitely not.

Bella: Esme, I am going to take you upstairs and get you a new outfit, okay?

Esme: oh. Uhm. I thought I was cute….. Rosalie thought I was cute….. right?

Rosalie: You are cute Esme!!

Alice: -kicks Rosalie- Wait, before you go, what did you dress as Bella?

Bella: -opens mouth to reveal a set of plastic fangs- A vampire. Duh.

All the vampires: that's really not that funny……

Bella: Oh, psh!! You know my costume is better than all of yours!!!

All the vampires: -grumble-

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hehehehe, well, I have a whole ton more, just for the one shots, including an interview with Caius (which is really really funny!!!) so if I can reach the 25 review marker than you will get a chapter by tomorrow night!!!!

Xoxoxoxo -Kate


	4. Caius is a Pervert

OK— Hello Everybody!!!! I am here to say thankyouthankyouthankyou to all of my v. nice reviewers, and give shout outs!!! Hooray!!!

La Vampire Susan, Writing Bird, PhantomsDiva, Jayde3, EmmettCullenFan, and DropletsOfSalt—THHHAANNNKK YOUUUU!!! Loved the reviews!!!

Do you want me to mention you in my fan fic? Just give me a review, and I will give you a shout out. Piece of cake!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An Interview with Caius:

Kate: Hello Caius, how are you today?

Caius: I am okay, though the plane ride here gave me really bad jet lag……

Kate: But I thought you didn't sleep…. How did you get jet lag?

Caius: Ur…. Well…..

Kate: Our first question comes from Karen, who lives in Minnesota. She asks "What is it like not to have a fan club?"

Caius: What was that?

Kate: I believe she was commenting on your obvious lack of fans.

Caius: I HAVE FANS!!!!! I GET FAN MAIL ALLLL THE TIME!!!!

Kate: From whom?

Caius: Well….. mostly I get bills, but once I got a job application.

Kate: Sombody asked you for a job?!?!

Caius: It turns out she send it to the wrong address…..

Kate: -shuffles papers- Ohhhkkkayyy then….. Next question. Leslie from Canada asks "What do you do with all of your spare time?"

Caius: Well, being a vampire, I spend a lot of time drinking bleeehhhhd.

Kate: What was that?

Caius: Surely you know that I am a vampire? And vampires drink bluuuuhhhhdd.

Kate: -stifles a giggle- 'bluuuhhhhd'? –attempts to stifle another giggle but fails-

Caius: What are you laughing at?!?!!?

Kate: You say the word 'blood' funny. You make it sound like your mouth is filled with peanut butter or something.

Caius: I think _you_ say it funny, as if you come from Chicago, or something. I bet you also say 'wader' instead or 'water' and 'aggs' instead of 'eggs'? Am I right?

Kate: I DO COME FROM CHICAGO, AND IT IS SoO0oO0oO0 MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR STINKY ITALIAN CHICKEN COOP!!!!!

Caius: WELL, HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY IT!?!?!? 'bleehd'?

Kate: NoO0oOo0, you say it like 'blood'.

Caius: Bloohd?

Kate: jeez, you are super old, and you don't even know how to pronounce the word 'blood'….. wow you are an idiot……

Caius: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!?!?! AN IDIOT?!?! I COULD EAT YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Kate: You wouldn't eat me, just drink my blood.

Caius: I eat people sometimes, like small children and babies.

Kate: Do I look like a baby to you?

Caius: No, but you do look like a small child.

Kate: A WHAT?!?!?! HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I LOOK?!?!?

Caius: 12, at most.

Kate: -mouth drops open- WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?

Caius: Well, it is true, you _do_ look 12. –stifles a giggle-

Kate: IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! HOW COME EVERYONE THINKS I LOOK SO YOUNG!?!?!? I AM 15, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!! IT IS VERY CRUEL TO MAKE FUN OF HOW OLD PEOPLE LOOK!!! AND ANYWAY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE AGEIST, BECAUSE YOU ARE WHAT, 90??!?!?!!?

Caius: Not even close.

Kate: Yeah, well, whatever……

Caius: I am really thirsty, is there anything I can drink?

Kate: Water, Sprite, Coke, Diet Coke, Tomato Juice, probably nothing you'd like….

Caius: I want a middle aged Caucasian man.

Kate: Well, erm, we don't have any of them…. –chews bottom lip nervously-

Caius: Well then, what kind of people _do_ you have??!?!!

Kate: We don't _have_ any people for you to eat…..

Caius: What about all of these people running around?!!?

Kate: These are the people that run the TV station, Caius. You cant have any of them.

Caius: WHY NOT?!?!?!?

Kate: uh, well, uh….. –chews bottom lip until it bleeds- oh crap!!!

Caius: mmmm…… bllleehhhdd……

Kate: No0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo!!!!!!!!!!

Caius: -leaps on Kate in an attempt to suck her blood- YUMYUMYUM!!!!

Kate: AAHHHHH!!!!! GET OFFA MEH, YOU PERVERT!!!!

Caius: Pervert?!?!!? I am not a pervert, just a hungry vampire!!!

Kate: Ohhh, riiiiigghhhhttttt!!!! Like I am gunna believe that, you perv-o!!!!

Caius: No, really, its not like that!!!!

Kate: I am gunna tell Aro and Marcus, and they are gunna tease you about this _forever_!!!!

Caius: NO!!! _you wouldn't dare_!!!!!

Kate: IM GUNNA DO IT!!!

Caius: DON'T DO IT!!!

Kate: IM GUNNA DO IT!!!

Caius: DON'T DO IT!!!

Kate: IM GUNNA DOOOOO IT!!! ARROOOO!!!!!

Caius: No0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0!!!!!!! –jumps and tackles Kate to the ground-

Kate: AAAAARRGGHHH!!!!! GET OFFA MEH!!!! PERV!!!!!

Caius: I AM NOT A PERVERT!!!!

Kate: R-A-P-E, GETCHER HANDS OFFA MEH!!!!!

Caius: No0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0!!!!!!!! STOP SINGING!!!!! BEEE QUIIIEETT!!!!

Kate: I WILL NEVER BE SILENCED!!!!!

Caius: SHHUUUUDDD UURRRPPPP!!!!!!

Kate: -high pitched scream-

Caius: -higher pitched scream-

Kate: -even higher pitched scream-

Caius: -highest pitched scream-

Kate: -bitch slaps Caius- I WILL NOT SHUT UP!!!!

Caius: -pins Kate to the ground and holds her mouth shut-

Kate: -uses her amazing right hook and hits Caius in the jaw-

Caius: -cat fights with Kate for a really long awkward silent 30 seconds-

Bob-The-Camera-Guy: Uh, guys, you know were still on the air, right?

Kate & Caius: WHAT?!?!?!?! CANT YOU EDIT IT OUT?!?!?!?!?

Bob-The-Camera-Guy: No, this is on _live_. The whole world just saw your little cat fight –snicker- oh, and Kate?

Kate: Yeah?

Bob-The-Camera-Guy: Your outfit has coffee all over it, and your skirt is trashed…..

Kate: -looks down at outfit- AHH!!!! I AM ALL MESSY!!! –looks at Caius- _YOU!!!!_ YOU DID THIS!!!! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Caius: ME?!?!!! DON'T BE POINTING FINGERS, YOU STARTED IT!!!!

Kate: I _AM_ POINTING FINGERS!!!!! –tackles him-

Caius: AAHHH!!!! –they wrestle-

Bob-The-Camera-Guy: uh, well folks, that's a rap!!! –turns off camera-

THHEEEE EENNNDDDD!!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have a v. v. funny next chapter if I get another 20 reviews!!! Xoxo -Kate


	5. I have an addiction to ANs

Hey guys. I just wanted to be cruel and put in an authors note. But really, I have some VERY SCARY NEWS FOR YOU!!!!

I just went to Quizilla, and took some Twilight and New Moon 'What character are you?' quizzes.

And like it says in my profile, I said I look like Bella (very true), and I act like Alice, and a bit like Rosalie.

Well, I took the darn tests.

Like, 7 of them.

And _every single time_ I got Rosalie.

No effing joke.

I have been told before I am cruel hearted and I have an ego problem, but I would never have thought of this……

Uughhh……. Need a mirror so I can look at my amazing beauty…..

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!

Okay. A new chapter is on its way, FYI. Like, it is nine pages long so far, and it is only about ¾ done. So it will take a few more days. Err, well, maybe later tonight……. If your lucky, and review.

So, I have a contest. Is anybody more obsessed over Twilight and New Moon than me? I really doubt it, because the two things that I think about most are boys and these books.

I swear it is not healthy.

So: send me reviews detailing how much more obsessed you are than me. I assure you that it is a hard task.

Let me tell you how bad it has gotten:

So when we were in the airport on the way to Paris for break, I ask my mom what terminal we are going to. What you have to understand about my mom is that her mom was a telephone operator, so when she learned her alphabet, she learned it like this:

A as in apple, B as in balloon, C as in cannibal (I dunno….).

So she (unaware that I am obsessed) says "we are in terminal E. E as in Edward."

And I got all in a tither, and she couldn't figure out why.

That is as much as it takes to set me off.

And don't make me remind you about that time in Latin class (so much trouble…..). Go see my other story (The beat of her heart) for more details.

So: review.

Sorry for wasting five minutes of your time (well, 5 minutes for me, who is a very fast reader. 20 for someone like my friend N…..)

Xoxoxo -Kate


	6. Why Vampire's and Rogaine Dont Mix

_A/N: I am really tired of writing that I don't own Twilight or New Moon, and you know I don't, so I am just going to stop putting disclaimers in._

Lately there haven't been any good fan fictions being written, so I decided to update, because I know what it is like to sit at your computer for an hour saying 'whhhattt thhhheeeee f-----cccckkkkkkk' because you are so bored. That was me earlier today.

_Writing Bird- I looooove how you always review. You might be the reason why I keep adding more chapters even when I don't get the number of reviews I wanted._

_Aqua279- Thank you!!_

_Vampirenvy9- Haha, gotta love the Chicago accent!!!_

_EmmettCullenFan- Thank you for the review!!! I will update!!!! Err, I am updating!!!_

_Rin Yuki- I look forward to getting reviews from you, because yours are always so funny!!!_

_Production of Punk- uh, yeah it was OOC. Did you not read the description on the front??!?!?!!? And anyway, it's my fanfic; I can do what I want!!!!! Grrrr….. Evil reviewer……_

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

**The title of this one shot is "Why Rogaine and Vampires Don't Mix". It turns out that not a lot of people know what Rogaine is. I learned what it was from a very funny 'Get Fuzzy' comic, and I thought of the idea for this story.**

**So Rogaine makes you hair grow. It makes the dead hair cells in your head start working again.**

**The vampires in Twilight cannot grow hair anymore, because they are kindof like dead bodies. Dead bodies –equals- dead hair cells. Rogaine targets the dead hair cells, and makes them grow like crazy. So what happens when Alice gets sick of her short spiky hair?**

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**-WHY VAMPIRES AND ROGAINE DON'T MIX-**

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Alice is sitting at school in the courtyard, reading a book under a tree. It is a cloudy day, but people are outside anyway._

Bella: ALLIIICCEEEE, THERE YOU ARE!!!! –runs up to Alice and gives her a really big hug- I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU _EVERYWHERE_!!!!!

Alice: Cool. What's up?

Bella: I got a B+ on my American History final!!!! I am so happy!! What did you get?

Alice: An A+.

Bella: HOLY CANNOLI!!! That is great!!! Perhaps you can help me study next time!!!

Alice: Sure, I would love too!!! History is easy for me, because I was there when it happened. Since I am a vampire; I have been around for a long time. I know everything about everything!!!!

Bella: Oh, psh!!! Don't be so smug!!! I bet there is something that you don't know!!!!

Alice: Nope, not a chance. When Edward gets around to changing you, you will learn stuff like this. And a lot of the stuff that we talk about in class I was alive when it happened, so I have first hand experience.

Bella: You know a lot about history, so what? But what about Biology?

Alice: Chromium is in between Manganese and Vanadium on the periodic table, its atomic mass is 51.9961, and its crystal structure is cubic.

Bella: And Physics, what about that?

Alice: Hooke's law of elasticity is an approximation that states that the amount by which a material body is deformed is linearly related to the force causing the deformation.

Bella: And English?

Alice: A sonnet is composed of fourteen lines, and it can be Shakespearian or Petrarchan. The Petrarchan is a set of an octave and a sestet, and the pattern is ABBAABBA CDCDCD. The Shakespearian is composed of three quatrains and a couplet. Its pattern is ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.

Bella: Humph…… -slouches down in defeat- I will find something that you don't know about…..

Alice: Oh don't be like that Bella!!!! I know everything and you're just going to have to admit it!!!

Bella: I am not going to admit it, because your big vampire ego is getting in the way of your practicality. You don't know everything.

Alice: Wanna bet?

Bella: -sits up- You know what? I do!!! If I can find something that you don't know in the next week then I get out of shopping for the next month!!!

Alice: And when_ I_ win?

Bella: _If_ you win, you can take me shopping for four hours every weekend for a month.

Alice: We have a deal!!!

Bella: –shakes Alice's hand-

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Later that day, Bella is sitting on Edward's lap in Edward's room. They are being all snuggly and cute because this is my fan fiction and I can make them that way._

Bella: Hey Edward?

Edward: Yeah, Bells?

Bella: Does Alice know everything?

Edward: -laugh- What? –flips Bella over so she is lying on his chest- Where on earth did you hear that?

Bella: Alice told me.

Edward: Well, because of her power, she has a superiority complex. She is very stubborn, and doesn't think she can make mistakes.

Bella: That is because she has visions. She knows what to do in time to prevent one.

Edward: Well, there have been times that her visions have gotten her into trouble….

Bella: Like what?

Edward: Well, she let me stay away from you by not telling me the visions she had of you being depressed.

Bella: Oh, don't remind me about that. That was the most horrible thing I have ever had to go through. I love you so much, and that time we spent apart was the darkest point in my life.

Edward: Oh, I love you too Bells. –they look deep into each others eyes. She leans in to kiss him… and then they hear a really loud and aggravated scream coming from Alice's room.

Bella: Whoa!!! What was that?!??!

Edward: I don't know, let's go find out. –flips Bella over, and carries her to Alice's room.

_Alice is sitting on the floor in her bathroom in a pile of hair products and accessories._

Bella: Oh, Alice!!! What happened?!?!!?

Alice: I HATE MY HAIR!!!!! –screams- I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!! IT IS SO SHORT AND SPIKY AND I WISH IT COULD GROW SO I COULD LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE!!!!! –another scream-

Bella: It will be okay Alice; I like your hair just fine!!! It is very stylish, and even though it is short, you totally pull off the look!!

Alice: But I don't _want_ the look!!!!!!!!!

Bella: It's okay!!! It's really cute on you!!!! –hugs Alice really tight-

Alice: -hugs Bella back-

Bella: -hugs Alice some more-

Edward: Uhm….. how much hugging is needed? You just had a temper tantrum over your hair and now it is done!!!

Bella: I wouldn't expect you to understand. It is a girl thing. Girls like to hug.

Edward: I like hugging too!!!

Bella: Then come down here and join the party!!!

Edward: Urm…. No….. I think I hear Esme calling. Gotta Run!!!! –runs out of room-

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Later that day Bella is sitting in her room doing her homework. She starts to think about the things that Alice might not know._

Bella: uughhh!!! At this rate, I am doomed to a month of shopping horrors!!!! It's going to be terrible!!!! I _have_ to win this bet…. Edward didn't help much, and I don't think anybody else cou—WAIT!!!! I BET JASPER WILL BE ABLE TO HELP!!!!!!

–gets up, catches her foot on the leg of the chair, trips down the stairs, gets out the door, trips on the welcome mat, stumbles all the way to the car, and manages to get into the car with out killing herself- CULLEN RESIDENCE, HERE I COME!!!! –drives to the Cullens, trips out of the car, trips all the way up to the door, and rings the bell-

Esme: -answers the door- Oh, hello Bella, dear!!! How are you? Edward is out hunting with Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, and Carlisle. I am afraid it is just me and Jasper. Would you like to come in? –opens door further-

Bella: Yeah, thanks so much Esme, I actually _came here_ to see Jasper, so it worked out perfectly. –walks in, trips over the door frame, is caught by Esme, stumbles up the stairs, and walks to Jaspers room-

Jasper: -pulls open the door before Bella can knock- You know, Bella, I could hear you coming from a mile away, with all of that tripping.

Bella: Oh, yeah, uh, sorry. –Jasper opens the door, so she walks in- Wow, cool room. So what's up?

Jasper: I finished my homework an hour ago, and I had hunted yesterday. When Esme answered the door, you said you came to see me, so I should be the one asking 'What's up?'.

Bella: Oh, yeah. See, Alice and I made this bet, -Jasper rolls his eyes- and so by the end of this week I need to find something that she doesn't know.

Jasper: Like what do you mean?

Bella: She was bragging over her grades, and so I challenged her to this bet. I need to know from an inside source what Alice doesn't know. What her weak spots are.

Jasper: The first part I can't help you with, but I do know her weak spot.

Bella: What?

Jasper: She absolutely hates her hair. She thinks it is far too short, and she would do anything to make it grow longer.

Bella: Hmm…. Well, I can't think of anything that might work… -Bella is struck with inspiration- OH, I HAVE THE PERFECT PLAN!!!! MUAA HAA HAA HAA HAA!!!!

Jasper: Ooh, it sounds sinister!!! Let's hear it!!

Bella: It's relatively simple, but I will need your help….

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Jasper and Alice are sitting together on the big couch in the parlor, all snuggled up under a blanket._

Jasper: You know Alice, Bella came over a few days ago, and she told me a secret.

Alice: Ooh, what was it?

Jasper: Well, it is a secret, so I am not supposed to tell you.

Alice: Well that wasn't very nice!!! You at least have to tell me what it is about!!!

Jasper: Bella knows how to make your hair grow longer!!!

Alice: -eyes get big and shiny- Really?

Jasper: Really really.

Alice: Ho0Oo0Oo0Oo0w?

Jasper: That is the secret, though. So I can't tell you!!!

Alice: Then it was very cruel to bring it up in the first place. –gets up-

Jasper: Where are you going?!?!?!?

Alice: Uhm…. Out….. –walks out the door, down the stairs and out to her car-

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Bella asleep in her bed, and Edward just left to go get new clothes on. Alice sneaks through the window, and tackles Bella._

Alice (in a stage whisper): BELLA- WAKE UP!!!!

Bella (sleep talking): hmm…. Edward, five more minutes….. please, I don't want to go to school and see smelly Eric Yorkie or Tyler or Miiiikkkeeeee…………

Alice (still stage whispering): UUHHHH!!!! –shakes Bella violently- GEETTT UPPP!!!!

Bella: Ugh, Alice, what are you doing here?!?!?! Where is Edward!?!? Is something wrong!?!?!?!?!!?

Alice: No!! Nothing is wrong, but you need to tell me how to make my hair grow!!!

Bella: -inwardly smiles, but doesn't show any emotion- Uh, Alice?

Alice (totally hanging on Bella's every word): YEAH!?!?!?!?

Bella: I can't remember…. I, like, totally forgot…..

Alice: YOU DID WHAT?!?!?!

Bella: See, it is this stuff that Charlie uses to treat his baldness. It works really well. I can't remember the brand though. We got it at the Super-Big-Save-Mart in downtown Forks. You could check there, it is open all night.

Alice: OOHHH!!! I AM SOOO EXITED!!!! –leaps off the bed, and out the window in less time than it takes Bella to blink-

Bella: -lays back down on the bed and whispers to herself- And not even a 'thank you'

Edward: -leaps through window- Hmm? What was that? You want me to thank you? Ohhhkayyy then. Thank you, Bella. What exactly am I thanking you for?

Bella: -giggles quietly- It's nothing Edward, don't worry.

Edward: Good, but I will always worry about you Bella, because it is just who I am. –lays down on the top of the covers, and snuggles with Bella- Good night sweet Bella.

Bella: -yawns- Good night, Edward, I luuuurrrrvveee you….. –falls asleep-

Edward (super soft whisper): I love you too.

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Alice rushes to the store, runs up, wrenches the door open, and speedily zips up and down the aisles, looking for hair growth medications. Finally, in aisle 11, she finds a whole array of different looking boxes, tubes, and bottles._

Alice: Oh!!! I don't know which one I should get!!! I have never bought hair growth stuff before!!! Better get them all…. –puts one of everything in her bag, and rushes up to the counter, where the unlucky teenager with the night shift is working the cash register- GET UP YOU LAZY HOBO!!!

Eric Yorkie: Huh? Alice Cullen? What are you doing here at 3 o clock in the morning? And why do you have all these hair growth products?

Alice: Uh…… It is some crazy dare we are planning….. Can you hurry up?!?!?

Eric: Oh, uh, yeah. –starts to ring up products- so, uh, what is the dare you are planning? It sounds funny.

Alice: Oh, its, uh…. We are going to take, err, Emmett's dog, and we are….. Going to grow its hair out and then dye it pink…….

Eric: Then wont you need some hair dye too? –finishes ringing everything up-

Alice: Uhm. W, err…. We have hair dye already. –laughs nervously- Do you really think Rosalie's hair color is real? –more nervous laughs-

Eric: Uh. Well I did….. –puts everything in a bag for Alice- Your total comes to 87.20, how will you be paying?

Alice: 87 bucks?!?!?!

Eric: Err, Yeah. 87.20 to be exact.

Alice: How did it come out to be that much?!!?!? It is just over-the-counter medication!!!!

Eric: Well…. You did buy a lot…..

Alice: Uhhhgggg…. Fine. Whatever. –pulls a one hundred bill out of her pocket- keep the change. –grabs her bag and dashes out the door-

Eric: Whhoooaaaa…. That girl never ceases to amaze me…….

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Alice rushes home, and runs to her bathroom. _

_She dumps everything out on the floor, and rips open all the packages, squeezing goop out of all the bottles, and rubbing them frantically on her head. _

_She dumps a pill from each of the bottles out onto her hand (about 20 total) and is about to take them, when Carlisle walks in._

Carlisle: You know, Alice, Vampires can't overdose on drugs.

Alice: What on earth are you talking about, Carlisle?!?!

Carlisle: Normally, I would ask you if your home life was okay, but I don't think that's the problem.

Alice: Carlisle, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU SAYING?!?!?!

Carlisle: Is it me??!??!?!?? Do I make everyone want to commit suicide?!?!?! First Edward, now _you_!!! I never would have thought it was possible…..

Alice: -finally realizes what Carlisle is talking about- OHHH!!!! NOOO!!!! I am not overdosing on drugs; I am taking hair growth pills!!!!

Carlisle: Oh…… Well……. –finally takes a look around- That would explain all the empty boxes on the floor…… Uhm, have fun with that……

Alice: -takes pills- Oh, don't worry, Carlisle, I will……..

Carlisle: -creeps out of room while muttering to himself- _boy oh boy do these kids have some strange hobbies……._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Meanwhile, Bella and Edward are lying on Bella's bed. The alarm rings, It is 6:00am._

Bella: uuugghhh, five more minutes…..

Edward: oh, alright…. –turns off alarm then goes back to thinking about how pretty she is when she sleeps-

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Bella is still asleep, Edward is still thinking about how pretty she is when she sleeps. It is 6:30am._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Bella has made no progress in waking up, and Edward hasn't done anything about it. It is 7:00am._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Still no progress. It is 7:30am._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Nope. Nothing. It is now 8:00am. School starts in 30 minutes._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

Edward is lying in bed, and his eyes travel to the clock, which reads '8:25am'.

Edward: BEEELLLAAAA!!!! GETT UUPPP!!!

Bella: five more miiinnnuuutteeesss…….

Edward: VICTORIA IS HERE AND SHE IS GOING TO BITE YOU!!!!

Bella: -gets up really fast- QUICK VICTORIA—BITE ME, BEFORE HE CHANGES HIS MIND!!!!!

Edward: Haha, just kidding Bella. But really. We have to get up now. It is very important.

Bella: Why?

Edward: Because we have to be to school in five minutes.

Bella: AAHHHRRRRGGGHHH!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP!?!?!?!?

Edward: You have no idea how cute you are when you sleep. I decided not to wake you up…… I already told you, I am very selfish…….

Bella: THAT IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE!!!! HELP ME GET READY!!!!

Edward: Okay!!! How should I help????

Bella: I am going to go brush my teeth and hair, and wash my face, and you can pick out my outfit for me? Okay!?!?!? –runs to the bathroom before Edward can say anything else-

Edward: hmm….. If I were Bella what would I wear? Well, that is an easy answer; I wouldn't wear anything, because Bella doesn't need clothing to complete her.

Bella: I HEARD THAT!!!!! YOU HAD BETTER PICK ME OUT AN OUTFIT!!!!

Edward: Okay. Hmm….. –shuffles though drawer number one, and finds lots of socks, pulls out a pair of white ones. Moves to the next and finds a whole bunch of under wear, which he starts looking at them. (A/N: I am sure any guy would do this, even Edward… but he is curious because he has never seen any girl underwear other than Rosalie's (Who has a very…. _Interesting_….. Taste in underwear….)

Bella: I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND YOU HAD BETTER JUST PICK ONE OUT ALREADY!!!!!

Edward: -drops the pile of underwear, and grabs the first one he sees, puts all the underwear back into the drawer a little bit haphazardly. Grabs a bra, a tee shirt, and a shirt without paying too much attention to them, and puts them on the bed just as Bella walks out of the bathroom-

Bella: Quick—We only have three minutes left!!!! Help me get these on!!!!

Edward: Do what now?!?!?!

Bella: You know exactly what I am asking!!! Use your vampire speed to get me into my ou-- -Edward is done before she can finish her sentence- tfit. Err, thanks!!!!

_The couple runs down the stairs (Bella trips down the stairs, but Edward catches her), out the door (Bella catches her foot on the frame, but Edward catches her), they run to the car (Bella stumbles to the car, but Edward catches her), and they speed off toward the school._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Later that day at lunch all the Cullen's except Alice are sitting at their normal table with Bella._

Bella: Hey Jasper, where is Alice?

Jasper: She's, uh…. At home….. –smufles laugh-

Bella: -smufles laugh-

Jasper: -trys to smufle another laugh but fails, so he is cracking up really hard-

Bella: -sees Jasper cracking up and starts laughing just as hard as him-

Edward: I am obviously missing out on something……

Rosalie: Uh, this morning Alice freaked out and wouldn't let any body come into her room. The only people that seem to know about this are Jasper, Bella, and Carlisle.

Edward: Why would Bella know anything about this?

Bella: -smufles another laugh, then gets up- I gotta go…. –smufles another laugh-

Jasper: -smufles a laugh, but lets out kindof a squeak- Yeah, I gotta go too……

_Jasper and Bella walk out of the cafeteria, and immediately burst out laughing_

Bella: -laugh- Did it work?!?!

Jasper: Uh-huh!!! It did and it was sooo funny –does impersonation of Alice while waving his arms and stomping up and down- 'UUHHH!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT FROM GROWING!!!!!' –laugh-

Bella: -laugh- Hahahahaha, that's priceless!!!!

Jasper: And you know what the best part is?!?!?

Bella: What?!?!!?

Jasper: She looks like Cousin It from the Adam's Family!!!!!

Bella: WHAT?!?!? NO WAY!!!!! –laughs really hard-

Jasper: It is sooo funny, and then on top of that, SHE CANT CUT IT!!!! –bursts out laughing again-

Bella: OMG!!! REALLY?!?!?!?!? THAT IS –laugh- LIKE, THE –laugh- FUNNIEST –laugh- THING I –laugh- HAVE EVER HEARD!!!!!! –breaks out with a laughing fit-

_Both Jasper and Bella collapse onto the floor holding there stomachs and laughing really really hard. Tears are coming out of the corners of her eyes because she can't stop laughing. Edward walks out to see what is going on._

Edward: What are you two doing!?!?!?!?

Bella: We tricked Alice!!! I not only found the one thing she doesn't know about, bet Jasper and I pulled off the biggest prank ever!!!!!

Jasper: It was sooo freaking funny!!! –high fives Bella-

Edward: But she's your _best friend_!!! –looks at Jasper- And she's your _wife_!!!! YOU TWO HAVE SICK MINDS!!!!!!

Bella: BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY!!! SHE HAS THE WORLDS SECOND BIGGEST EGO!!!!!!

Jasper: Who's the first?!?!? –smufles laughter because he knows exactly who has the world's biggest ego-

Bella: EDWARD!!!!!!

Edward: That's totally not cool…..

Bella & Jasper: YES IT IS!!!!! –they high five than start laughing again-

Edward: I didn't know you two were that close of friends….

Bella (In a dark scary voice): We are not friends…..

Jasper (In a dark scary voice): We are partners in crime….. –both of them start laughing again-

Edward: You guys are really weird….. What was the prank anyway? Alice is in her room eating a rabbit and watching pathetic human soap operas.

Bella: We made her hair grow really really long and now she cant cut it!!!! –laughs-

Jasper: She looks like Cousin It!!!!!!

Edward: From the Adam's Family??!!?

Jasper: YEAH!!!! –all three of them start laughing-

Bella: I say we ditch the rest of the day and go pay Alice a little visit…..

Edward: Ooh!!!! Sounds evil!!!!

_All three of them get up and leave school, on the way out Edward and Jasper dazzle Mrs. Cope into letting them all go._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_They all get to the house and go upstairs._

Edward: ALLIIICCCEE?!?!?! –knocks on door-

Alice: -sob- GOOO AWWAAYYYY!!!!!

Bella: Alice, honey, it's me- Bella!!!

Alice: -sob- GO AWAY!!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME LIKE THIS!!!! I AM HIDEOUS!!!!

Jasper: Alice, its Jasper. Can I come in?

Alice: -sob- promise not to laugh?

Jasper: I promise.

Alice: -opens door but stands behind it so the boys cannot see- okay, come in….

Jasper: -walks in-

_Alice is absolutely covered in jet black hair. Like, all over. You can't even tell it is Alice…. _

Alice: I look like one of those _dogs_…..

Bella (from outside): You mean werewolves?!?!

Alice: -breaks down and cries-

Jasper: -hugs Alice- OOOHHH!!!! Alice, it will be okay!!! We can get this fixed, right?

Alice: I don't think so…..

Jasper: Why not?

Alice: Because I don't know how hair growth stuff works. And I used several different products, including pills, and it won't stop growing!!!! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

Bella: -busts into the room- HA!!! HA-HA-HA!!!! I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT: I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!

Alice: -bursts out sobbing again- OOHHKKKAAYYY!!!! FINE- I ADMIT I WAS WRONG, I ADMIT I BRAGGED TOO MUCH, I ADMIT I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!!!! JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET RID OF ALL THIS HAIR!!!!!!!

Bella: Okay, just follow me!!!!

_Drags Alice out of the room._

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Alice and Bella arrive at the police station just as Charlie is arriving back from his doughnut and coffee break_.

Bella: CHARLIE!!! Err, I MEAN DAD!!!!

Charlie: BELLA—WHATS WRONG!?!?! ARE YOU HURT!?!?! HAS EDWARD LEFT AGAIN?!?!?! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO RENEE!?!?! HAS THE HOUSE BLOWN UP!?!?! IS JAKE STILL IGNORING YOU!?!?! HAS THAT STRANGE RED-HAIRED LADY WHO I HAD COFFEE WITH YESTERDAY COME AND TRIED TO KILL YOU!?!?!?! ARE STRANGE OLD ITALIAN MEN COMING TO TURN YOU INTO A MYTHICAL CREATURE TO WORK FOR THEM SO THEY CAN TAKE OVER BOTH THE HUMAN AND VAMPIRIC WORLD?!!?!?!!? (A/N: hahahahaha, I was just bored with those last two…. Hahahahaha…..)

Bella: WOAH!! Charlie, calm down!!! You had coffee with Victoria?

Charlie: Yeah, she was very nice. The date went well, I think she's really into me.

Bella: -face pales-

Victoria: -pops up unexpectedly- Hey Charlie-man, how's it hangin'?

Charlie: Oh, yeah, hey, what's up, Victoria?

Victoria: Oh, I just came by to see how my favorite chunk of man-candy was doing…. –trails off suggestively-

Bella: OH DEAR LORD!!!! STOP BEFORE I HAVE TO SLIT MY WRISTS WITH A TOOTHBRUSH!!!!! THAT IS SICK AND WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!

Victoria: Oh well, we wouldn't want Bella dearest to hurt herself now would we? Buh-bye pumpkin-nugget!!!! –leaves-

Bella: -gags silently off in corner at the horror of bad pet names-

Charlie: So Bella, what brings you around to the police station at this time of day anyway?

Bella: Alice needs a job.

Charlie: Well where is she? We have a whole bunch of volunteer work that needs to be done!!!

Alice: Right here, Mr. Swan….

Charlie: DEAR LORD, ALICE- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?!?!?!

Alice: Really long story….

Charlie: Okay… Fine. How about we start you off with some crossing guard duty, and then after that a bunch of old town records need alphabetizing, and then we can put you on traffic call duty, then we can……….. –trails into long list of Alice's new agenda-

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

_Alice is home, and her hair is back to normal. She is practically passed out on the sofa._

Bella: Wow, Alice. Charlie sure wore you out.

Alice: It's a wonder he's not completely bald from his job….. The sheer amount of patience it takes…… I swear to you I will never do that again…. I had no idea how hard it was to work for the police…….

Bella: Yet another thing you don't know……..

-FIN-

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvampirevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

Hehehe- that was fun!!! It is 16 Microsoft word pages long though….. Hahahahaha, I am so weird………

I was really angry earlier about me being most like Rosalie.

But then I took another test, and it said I was most like Aro.

………..And then I decided that Rosalie isn't that bad……….

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! Xoxo-Kate

p.s. NEXT CHAPTER: An Interview with Esme!!!!

p.s.s. THE CHAPTER AFTER THAT: err, I don't know the name, but Bella does a kissing booth for a fundraiser at the local carnival. She has a lot more customers then she expected though….. hehehehe…….

p.s.s.s. I WANT 20 REVIEWS OR NO UPDATE!!!!!


	7. I Like ANs a Little Bit Too Much

Okay, so I really felt like writing an authors note. So I did.

First off, what the hell is up with all this snow? It is freaking April right now, and this snow is all soppy. I hate snow. Boooo for snow.

Secondly, why isn't anybody updating or posting new Fan Fictions? Really, no one has updated since last night. Am I the only person who cares anymore?

Whatever. I decided to give everybody a nice Twilight-related giggle.

Here are the very nice things about my day that should make you all laugh:

- I have made a quiz on You should check it out sometime, it is like a 'Which character are you most like?' quiz.

We made my science teacher talk for 30 minutes about her love life, and she admitted to being involved with five guys. She is my idol…… hahahaha, she is insane though!!!

- On the bus ride home I sat next the this very very cute boy named Luke, and he looked just like Jasper!!!!! I was tempted the whole time to scream "BITE ME!!! BITE ME I AM BEGGING YOU!!!!", but I decided it couldn't turn out well….. hahahah…… but I did end up having a nice conversation with him at the end. He was veerrrryyyy cute!!!!

- So I was in home room, and I was talking to my friends about weird body parts (Like, disjointed body parts and stuff…. It was random, but hilarious), and I mention how my feet are all messed up. They are big and wide (Size 9 2W(twice wide)), and they have scars all over them. Somebody asked what had happened to them, and I said 'Oh, when I was a baby they got stuck in the blender'. And one of the girls in my homeroom shouts "OMFG- YOU GOT YOUR FEET CAUGHT IN A BLENDER WHEN YOU WERE A BABY!!?!??!?" and I was all like "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SARCASM!?!?!?!" Never-the-less it was _very_ funny.

I WILL BE POSTING THE ESME CHAPTER IF I CAN GET UP TO 50 REVIEWS!!!!! (so 8 more from now). I DON'T CARE IF YOU REVIEW 100 TIMES, JUST AS LONG AS I GET MY REVIEWS (if you do review all those times I will give you a shout out)

I LOVE YOU ALLLLL!!!! Xoxoxoxo- Kate

p.s. Does anyone know if this summer is the one where the locusts come out?!?!

p.s.s. I dunno, one of my friends said that, and I thought that wasn't for a few years…..


	8. Chattin' it up with Esme

A/N: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse, and I never will. Ever. Like ever ever ever, so stop asking me. What do you expect me to say "A/N: I have purchased Twilight and therefore I do in fact own it." Pshhhh……

Okay, I know I have been away, for like ever. But it wasn't my fault. Okay, yeah it kindof was. I went into a coma for about a month (a figurative coma). But now I am back and more ready than ever with my newest chapter: 'Chattin' it up with Esme'.

This chapter I got a ton of help on from my cousin, Andie, so this is dedicated to her. It even has her in it, with a cross-bow and everything. Nifty, huh? If you want to be in one of the chapters, just leave me a review. And if you want to be part of the action (such as getting into a fist fight with like, Emmett, or whatever) then tell me. It seems that all of my interviews involve a hell of a lot of violence in them…… hahaha……

OKAY-DOKEY!!!! ON WITH THE CHAPTER!!!!!!

O0oO0oO0oO0oO0oO0o0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0Oo0

Kate: Hello Esme, and welcome to the show!

Esme: Why thank you! I am really happy to be here, and this might sound crazy, but I have actually never done a live interview before.

Kate: I never would have guessed it, Esme, because your one of America's favorite supporting characters.

Esme: Supporting?

Kate: Well, your character is not one that is going to change in the next few books, and Stephenie is not going to go anywhere with your story, because we already know it.

Esme: Uh….

Kate: So…. moving on. How did you become a vampire? Was it true that you were committing suicide when you jumped off that cliff?

Esme: -sniffles- yeah.

Kate: Because your husband was abusive?

Esme: -sniffles- yeah.

Kate: Because your baby died, yes?

Esme: -sniffles really loudly- uh-huh…..

Kate: Aw, looks like someone needs a hug!

Esme: -reaches in for a hug-

Kate: No, silly, not from me! You will get your vampire goobers all over me, and this is a new blouse. Caius the pervert ruined my old one.

Esme: Then who am I supposed to get a hug from? –sniffles-

Kate: OPRAH!!!!

Esme: Oprah?!

Kate: Yes! Oprah!! –Oprah enters from stage left and gives Esme a hug before pulling out a chair from nowhere and sitting down-

Oprah: So Esme, tell the audience about your tragic affair with the death of a loved one. –holds microphone up to Esme's mouth in a 'hard-hitting-questions' sort of way-

Esme: -sniffles- Well, My husband came back from war, and he was a big meanie to me and - -

Oprah: 'A big meanie'? How so?

Esme: Well, you know, he was like….

Kate: Abusive?

Oprah: Excuse me, but I asked the question, I think I should be the one to add dramatic little prompts to help out our guest star.

Kate: Nuh-uh!

Oprah: Yeah-huh!!

Kate: Nuh-uh!

Oprah: Yeah-huh!!

Esme: Ladies, stop it before I have to bite you both!

Kate: Bite me, please!!! I am begging you!!!! I asked Carlisle, but he said no…… Then I asked Edward, and he said no….. and then I was going to ask Rosalie, but she wasn't in her room - -

Esme: You were in our house?!?! How?!?!

Kate: I have a key, duh.

Esme: Oh….. wow…… this whole time…..

Kate: As I was saying, I was going to ask Rosalie, but then I noticed her drawer was open, and so I stole all of her thongs and sold them on eBay.

Rosalie: -runs in from the side- YOU DID WHAT?!?!!?! –tackles Kate to the floor-

Kate: ARGGG!!!! –they rumble a bit before Kate bites her in the neck-

Rosalie: -gets up- IM A HUMAN!!! SHE BIT ME AND NOW I AM A HUMAN!!! HOORAY!!!!!

Kate: You're not a human; you just have rabies.

Rosalie: YOU HAVE RABIES?!?!!?

Kate: Hells yes, I have rabies- and a nasty case of them too.

Rosalie: Eww. –walks away- I am going to Carlisle to see if he has a cure….

Kate: Be a dear and bring me back a dose while you're at it!!

Oprah: Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah, so you were all depressed because your baby kicked the bucket, and so you threw yourself off a cliff.

Esme: -sniffles- y-yeah……

Kate: Aw, man, your making her feel awful, Oprah!!!

Oprah: Well I know something that will make it all better!!! Introducing our surprise guest star…

Kate and Oprah: ESME'S DEAD BABY!!!!

Rob-the-prop-guy: -brings out a child size coffin and wrenches it open- TaDa!!!!

Esme: -bursts into tears-

Kate: Wait- I thought vampires couldn't cry!!!!!

Audience: gasps

Esme: Uh oh…..

Kate: So is it true- you're not a real vampire?!?!

Esme: Uuhhh…..

Kate: And what about Carlisle? Alice?

Esme: Well…… see…..

Kate: AND WHAT ABOUT EDWARD?!?!!?

Esme: OKAY- I ADMIT IT!!! NONE OF US ARE REAL VAMPIRES EXEPT ROSALIE AND ARO!!!!! WE ALL JUST PRETEND TO BE SO HE WILL LET US JOIN HIS CLUB!!!!!

Kate: Wait- So if Edwards not a real vampire, it means he's been lying to Bella this whole time!!!

Bella: -gets up on stage- Edward, How could you!?!? –runs off crying-

Edward: Noooo!!!! BELLA, IT WAS ALL JUST A FACADE, A CRUEL JOKE THAT WENT TO FAR!!! I AM SORRY!!!! I ONLY WANTED TO PISS THE HELL OUT OF NEWTON!!!!!

Kate: EDWARD IS SINGLE, OMFG!!!!

Oprah: CHATSPEAK!!! CAPS RAGE!!!!! –slaps Kate-

Kate: ARGGG!!!! YOU JUST WANT EDWARD FOR YOURSELF!!!!! –tackles Oprah-

Random Fan Girl in the Audience: NEITHER OF YOU CAN HAVE HIM!!!!

Kate and Oprah: huh?

Random Fan Girl: HE'S MINE!!!!!

Other Fan Girl: NO- HE'S MINE!!!!

Third Fan Girl: SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!!!! HE'S MINE!!! I ALREADY CALLED DIBBS!!!!!

Edward: NONE OF YOU CAN HAVE ME, MY HEART BELONGS TO BELLA!!!!

Bella: Aw, how sweet. I want you back, mister.

Fan Girls: No!! Too Late!!! You already dumped him!! You can't have him back!!!!

_-The whole theater erupts into chaos as the studio audience goes berserk-_

_-Kate and Bella fight for Edward-_

_-Kate basks in the moment of fighting against her favorite book character-_

_-Edward basks in the moment of being fought over, but then realizes that his heart belongs to Bella (In quite the literal sense: she bought it from a black-market grave digger a while back)_

Kate: ARGG!!! BACK UP!!! I NEED BACK UP!!!!!

_-Andie, Taylor, and Princess Bellie burst through the doors of the auditorium, holding cross-bows; Andie tosses Kate one, and the three start shooting fan girls down with flaming arrows-_

Taylor: He's MIIINNEEE!!! Get off of him!!! –shoots arrows and hits several girls in a matter of seconds-

Kate: Muaa haa haa haa haa!!!!! –lights her arrows on fire and shoots them rapid fire across the auditorium, hitting several fan girls and network people in the process-

-The lexicon bust in through the doors with… STUN GUNS!!!! And start zapping everyone to the ground-

Alphie: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND-- NOW!!!!!!

Princess Bellie: NEVVVVEERRRRRRRR!!!!!! –shoots an arrow and knocks our favorite lexicon to the ground- MUAA HAA HAA HAA HAA!!!!!

JUST THEN……

Stephenie Meyer wakes up to a humid Arizona night, and while wiping the sweat from her brow she ponders a very strange dream she just had…..

Kate wakes up and turns on the AC. She goes down stairs and gets a popsicle from the fridge, and heads back to her room, all the while thinking about a distant memory of the dream she just awoke from.

Rosalie sat up and looked at her very drowsy husband, Emmett. She rubbed her eyes, and crawled from the warm confines of her four poster bed. She walked to the window, and opening it, stuck her head out into the thick night air of Forks, Washington. She let a low whistle escape her perfectly chiseled lips, and tapped one foot softly against the ground. Remembering part of her dream, she turned quickly around, and lightly padded across the room to her armoire, and opened her panty and lingerie drawer. To her dismay, all the thongs were missing.

She then realized the consequences of her actions, but it was too late, Kate clamped a hand around her mouth, and dragged her away to her untimely fate……

A/N: Ha. I hope you liked it. It took awhile thou. In case your wondering, Alphie is a lexiconer, and Princess Bellie and Andie are my cousins, and Taylor is my friend.

Like I said before- if you want to be in one of my stories, JUST TELL ME IN A REVIEW.

Thank you thank you, and have an excellent summer, and good luck on finals!!!!

Xoxoxo -Kate


End file.
